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Get Off My Brakes! Using the Dual Control Model to Find Your Desire (Part 3)

Amanda Liñan
LCSW, CST

The Dual Control Model, as famously discussed by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. in Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, is a great way to understand how you might find more of your desire.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, please visit my other blog giving a brief summary of the book here.

So to build your list of what is on the brakes, try answering the following questions:

  • Think about (consensual) sexual experiences that were not satisfying. What made it so unpleasant? What was happening with you, your partner, the environment, etc.? Anything you can think of.
  • Now think of things that trigger you or times you have felt most disconnected from your partner. Anything you can think of.
  • What are the stressors in your life right now that feel most disruptive? What makes it difficult to disconnect from them? Anything you can think of.
  • And, of course, anything that is the opposite of the gas pedal list that you want to denote. For example, if you love talking with your partner every day for a short time, then something on the brakes would be when you two are ships passing in the night without checking in.

Work Together to Solve the "Brake" Problem

It’s often easier for people to come up with the brakes list because it’s easier to know what we don’t like. In sharing it with your partner, let them know that you don’t necessarily blame them, but that you want them to know that these things put a halt to feeling desire. Ask them to help you solve the problem together. Again, encourage them to make their own list.
As always, if you get stuck doing this or you and your partner cannot talk about these things for any reason, it might be time to reach out for help from one of our staff. We can help you navigate this or those conversations.
Part 1
Part 2

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Amanda Liñan

Amanda Linan, LCSW, CST, has been working in the field since 2010 in various capacities, which has garnered education and experience with sexuality, relationships, mental health, disabilities, substance use, and trauma. Amanda is a Certified Sex Therapist and specializes in relationships and sexuality. She is Level I, II and III trained in Gottman Method.