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Hit the Gas! Using the Dual Control Model to Find Your Desire (Part 2)

Amanda Liñan
LCSW, CST

The Dual Control Model, as famously discussed by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., in her book Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, is a great way to understand how you might find more of your desire.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, please visit my previous blog giving a brief summary of the book.

So to build your list of what is on the gas, try answering the following questions:

  • When has sex been more successful or enjoyable? What was happening in the relationship? What was happening for you personally? What was your mindset? What kind of touch was happening? What kind of foreplay? What was the approach to sex? The pace of sex (e.g., fast and furious or slow and intimate)? The environment/mood of the space? Any details you can think of.
  • Brainstorm movies, TV shows, or books that sparked some desire or arousal. What things did it for you? Remember, it doesn’t mean you want that exact thing done, but it does give us information on what might help get you in the mood more readily.
  • Now think about times you have felt powerful, capable, and/or confident. When were those times? What was happening in your life or relationship? Write down any ideas you have.
  • Think about times you have felt sexy, cute, or beautiful. What was your behavior? Mindset? What were you wearing? How was your hair or makeup done? What were the circumstances? How did your partner approach you? Any details you can think of and write it down.
  • When do you feel most calm and stress-free? What is happening in life? What is happening in your mindset or approach? What activities are you doing regularly? What self-care is happening?
  • What physical affection do you enjoy giving and receiving? What flirting do you enjoy giving and receiving? What foreplay do you enjoy giving and receiving?
  • Think about times you have felt the most loved? When have you felt the most romantic connection with your partner (outside of any sexual moments)? What were they doing? How were they treating you? How were you treating them? How were you feeling? What were the circumstances? Anything you can think of.

Share Your 'Gas List' With Your Partner

The answers to this make up your gas list, at least in part. Give it a try and see what you come up with! Once you are done, share it with your partner. Explain that these are things that make you more open to wanting, it’s not a guarantee, and that these will help make you feel good and loved. Don’t forget to remind them of all the ways they are already doing this for you. Encourage them to make their own list. You are responsible for certain aspects, and they can gift you certain aspects.
As always, if you get stuck doing this or you and your partner cannot talk about these things for any reason, it might be time to reach out for help from one of our staff. We can help you navigate this or those conversations.
When we talk about the gas and brakes, we are talking about creating opportunities for the wanting to happen. Building your list of gas and brakes goes off what you know you like. Sometimes, I find people are still in the learning phase and they haven’t even learned what they like, which is ok! All that means is an extra layer of exploration.

Look for my next blog reviewing the brakes!

Part 1
Part 3

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Amanda Liñan

Amanda Linan, LCSW, CST, has been working in the field since 2010 in various capacities, which has garnered education and experience with sexuality, relationships, mental health, disabilities, substance use, and trauma. Amanda is a Certified Sex Therapist and specializes in relationships and sexuality. She is Level I, II and III trained in Gottman Method.