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Is it Cheating to Watch Porn or Go to Strip Clubs?

By Amanda Liñan
LCSW, CST
I was listening to a video of an exotic dancer talking about her career while doing a workout today, as one does, and the age-old question of “is going to a strip club cheating?” came up. The comment section was a mess, so I thought I would address it here from a professional perspective.
This is a complicated question, and there is no one right question. The best answer I can give you is that you should not care about anyone’s opinion as much as your partner’s. What constitutes cheating is about sharing personal boundaries and creating clear agreements within the relationship. Too many couples don’t have these conversations clearly, which opens them up to betrayal when there was no ill-will intended.
Even if you think you know what your partner might say, it’s best to have the conversation rather than working from assumptions. There are nearly always caveats or exceptions, and those limits are important to explore. For example, porn might be ok when one partner is not available for sex, but it may not be ok every day, or even every week, or instead of sex with said partner.
If you have not discussed a situation you are in, and you are uncertain about what to do, ask yourself this question: “Would I do this if my partner were here?” If the answer is no, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. At least until you talk about it with your partner.
Some questions to get you started in this conversation:
  • What do you think about _____ (porn, strip clubs, masturbation, OF, etc.)?
  • How would you feel if I did it?
  • If they are ok with you doing whatever it is:
    • How often would feel like too much?
    • Are there any limits in content or action you would like me to follow?

    • If they are adamantly against whatever thing, and that feels like something that is going to be a problem for you to follow, then it might be time for professional intervention to help you figure it out. Disagreeing is ok. Disrespecting the relationship by doing it anyway because you think your preferences mean more than theirs is not.

    Now, whether or not strip clubs, porn, or other adult entertainment is good for you or something to avoid is a whole different conversation that I will save for another time.

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    About Amanda Linan
    Amanda Linan, LCSW, CST, has been working in the field since 2010 in various capacities, which has garnered education and experience with sexuality, relationships, mental health, disabilities, substance use, and trauma. Amanda is a Certified Sex Therapist and specializes in relationships and sexuality. She is Level I, II and III trained in Gottman Method.
    Principle Skills Relationship Center is one of the few therapy practices in Colorado that specializes in treating couples with The Gottman Method. The Center integrates the Method in treating betrayal, trauma, and sexual compulsions and addictions.
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