Aftercare: What is It and Why Does it Matter?
August 6, 2025
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I often hear from women that it is difficult to get in the mood for sex. While there are certainly external things you or your partner can do to help, a bit part of it is your own mindset. Your own internal dialogue and approach can make a big difference on creating some internal desire as well as being willing to accept advances from your partner.
3 Things you can do to shift your mindset about sex
Change it from an “I should” to an “I want to”
Instead of seeing sex as one more thing on your to-do list or an obligation to make your partner happy, shift the thinking to “I want to” or “I get to”. Consider the fun things about sex. “I get to show my partner how much I love them”, “I get to feel good and relax”, “I want to feel good tonight and make my partner feel good”. A big part of this is thinking about sex as time well spent instead of a detraction from things you “need” to get done.
Visualize
This may sound strange, but visualize the experience of sex and what you like about it with your partner. The touches you would like, the way it feels to kiss, whatever it might be. Sometimes that little bit of visualizing can get your body started down the path.
Set boundaries to de-stress
It’s hard to be in the moment with your partner when you are mentally planning your day tomorrow or going through an unfinished check list. Choose an “end point” to your day, create a list, and whatever is done is done and whatever is not, waits. Prioritize the things that are more urgently needing to be done today, save the rest for another day. Sometimes that may not be possible, but my guess is that it is more than you think. Fair or not, women are often the main drivers of housework and childcare, even when they also work outside of the home. Learning to set limits on your work day is really important when your work is always around you. Hopefully you are getting support from your partner to make this easier and it’s at least feeling balanced. If not, that might be another area of boundary-setting to do. Once you reach your clock-out, do a calming activity to de-stress before choosing to engage in the relationship.
Mindset matters a great deal for having sex. You have to do things to encourage the sexual thoughts in an active way as well as intentionally set aside things that are likely to kill your desire, like chores or work.
