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Stability and Strategy after Betrayal

By Kara Facundo
LPC
“I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t recognize my partner. I barely recognize myself. If you’re feeling something similar, you’re likely in a state of betrayal, unsure of where to begin the healing process.

Here are some things to keep in mind:

1. Stability and consistency are essential for healing.

When betrayal shakes everything you thought you knew, it’s easy to feel out of control. Clarity of mind is key when making decisions that will impact your future. Create an environment that supports you in making intentional, wise choices—rather than reacting out of emotional turmoil.

2. Trust yourself when you can’t trust your partner.

In moments of confusion and pain, remember to take ownership of your thoughts, words, and actions. Your emotions may be all over the place, but acting out in rage or seeking revenge only creates more instability. It’s important to stay grounded in who you are and who you want to be, regardless of the circumstances.

3. Be aware of common reactive behaviors and try to avoid them:

  • Checking up on your partner constantly
  • Trying to control their actions, where they go, or what they do
  • Shaming them for their betrayal
  • Threatening to expose the betrayal to friends or family
  • Acting out in rage or aggression
  • Scoping out people they might be interested in
  • Looking for more proof of betrayal
  • Creating stories about what they’re thinking or what they did
  • Pretending everything is perfect in the relationship
  • Feeling insecure or threatened around others when with them
  • Using belittling or dehumanizing language or actions toward them

4. Watch out for self-destructive behaviors:

  • Over or under-eating, or extreme changes in appetite
  • Over or under-sleeping
  • Negative self-talk or excessive self-pity
  • Escaping through TV, social media, substances, or overspending
  • Neglecting self-care
  • Isolating yourself, avoiding people or situations
  • Stuffing your anger or avoiding addressing
  • Making poor or impulsive decisions
  • Inflicting harm on yourself
  • Overworking to avoid feelings or thinking

5. Focus on creating stability in the present moment.

Healing is a process. Start by taking responsibility for your emotions and reactions. Care for yourself—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Honor your values, even when everything feels shaken.

Healing takes time, but it begins with small, intentional steps toward creating a stable, grounded life—whether or not the relationship survives. You can get through this, one decision at a time.

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Kara Facundo
Kara Facundo
Kara Facundo is a Licensed Professional Counselor trained in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Levels I, II and III. She specializes in helping individuals and couples recover from betrayal trauma and achieve personal growth. She also has a Master's Degree in Clinical Mental Health.
Principle Skills Relationship Center is one of the few therapy practices in Colorado that specializes in treating couples with The Gottman Method. The Center integrates the Method in treating betrayal, trauma, and sexual compulsions and addictions.
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