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Finding Peace in Your Naked Form

By Amanda Liñan
LCSW, CST
Imagine a lovely scene in which you are in bed with your partner, talking and kissing and enjoying each other. Clothes come off and suddenly you are plagued by anxiety, discomfort, and a slew of un-sexy thoughts.
  • “What if they notice my stretch marks?”
  • “I hate how that jiggles when I move.”
  • “Do they find me sexy? Maybe they’re just saying they do.”
  • “I wish my stomach wasn’t so flabby.”

This is the unfortunate reality for so many people. Sex is not a place to be free and feel loved, it is a place of anxiety that zaps pleasure because of dissatisfaction with their own body.

Sexy is not just what Hollywood and Instagram show, and sex is not just for those people as is so often depicted.

Sex is a place of pleasure and connection, a place to go with your partner to celebrate your intimacy and your bodies.

Getting to a place where you are comfortable with your body, exactly as it is, is incredibly helpful to be able to enter this sacred sexual space and truly enjoy the moment.

So how do you do that?

Addressing the Elephant in the Room:

Your body is enough RIGHT NOW, and it is OK to make changes or not

There has been a lot of talk about the body positivity movement, which I think is an incredibly powerful movement towards acceptance that bodies all look different, something long overdue.

Health at every size can very much be a thing, but it is important to me to note that just because it can be a thing does not mean it always is a thing. What I mean to say is that just because one person is healthy at 200 lbs does not mean another will be. And just because one person can thrive on Veganism does not mean another can.

There is no one right answer for size and lifestyle. Certain lifestyle choices and body compositions tend to have healthier mental and physical outcomes, and that needs to be taken into consideration in determining how you want to live your life. Ultimately, I am of the opinion that informed choice is the most important and people should be honored in the choices they make. I am sitting here eating fruit gushers as I write this knowing that there are carrots in the fridge. I made my decision and I know the outcomes, and my body is still good regardless.

No matter what choices someone makes, no matter how their body looks, every person deserves dignity, respect, and to be able to enjoy their body at every stage of their health journey.

Finding Appreciation

Now that we have that little soap box out of the way, how do you get to a place of actually believing the above and shifting any negative thinking? Here is a step-by-step guide, partially adapted from Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. (I highly recommend the book, by the way):

  1. Get a full length mirror, if you don’t already have one.
  2. Stand in front of it every day, naked. Yes, naked.
  3. Allow yourself time and space to just look at your body. We often glance, have negative thoughts, then move along to cover up and get on with our day. Instead, allow yourself a chance to look and allow the negative feelings to flow. Don’t bash yourself, by any means, but feel the frustration, sadness, disappointment, embarrassment, etc. They are just feelings. Feelings are not facts.
  4. While standing there, recognize that the feelings and thoughts you have about yourself are learned. We are not born believing those things. Our bodies are celebrated until a certain age and then many of us stop celebrating. We are taught or told something is not good enough, and we believe it. So while you look at yourself in all your glory, recognize the negative reaction you had is what you have been conditioned to believe and does not have to be your experience of your body. Talk yourself through this.
  5. Now, you get to define the experience you want of your body. Find the positive things in your body. It might be the curve, color, shape, size or even function of something. After having two kids 14 months apart, I have my own issues with my stomach. But through this intentional practice, I can recognize the little lines there are beautiful little reminders of the life I carried. I love my stomach now and how it has served me, and I have the increased desire to nurture myself because of that newfound appreciation.
  6. Repeat daily until it gets easier to let go of the difficult and appreciate the positive.
  7. To take it one step further, journal the things you say to yourself about your body and the beliefs you hold about what is healthy, what is a sexy body, etc. Think about where those came from and if that is a belief you want to carry and pass on to those in your life.

Finding appreciation for your body takes time and inevitably has its ups and downs, especially in the culture we are in today. Honor what your body needs and what makes you feel best in your body. And regardless, you deserve to enjoy pleasure, unburdened.

What have you done to find acceptance in your body? How has it helped you? Drop a comment down below!

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Amanda Linan
Amanda Linan
Amanda Linan, LCSW, CST, has been working in the field since 2010 in various capacities, which has garnered education and experience with sexuality, relationships, mental health, disabilities, substance use, and trauma. Amanda is a Certified Sex Therapist and specializes in relationships and sexuality. She is Level I, II and III trained in Gottman Method.
Principle Skills Relationship Center is one of the few therapy practices in Colorado that specializes in treating couples with The Gottman Method. The Center integrates the Method in treating betrayal, trauma, and sexual compulsions and addictions.
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