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3 Questions to Ask your Partner to Deepen Your Relationship

By Amanda Liñan
LCSW, CST
Here are some questions to ask your partner to help strengthen your bond. These are questions I often ask individuals and/or couples to understand more about dynamics in the relationship. The answers are revealing. I cheated a little and have a follow-up question with each one, and I promise they are worth it.

How were you celebrated growing up? How do you wish you were celebrated?

Sometimes people wonder what I mean by “celebrated”. I mean holidays, birthdays, accomplishments, all the way down to just being who they were. This tells me how special, respected, or valued they felt in their family growing up. It also tells me about expectations. Why it is important in your relationship now is because those actions created blueprints. If they were not celebrated, but wished they were and felt unvalued, then they are going to thrive with appreciation. If they were celebrated in pretty positive ways, and now they don’t get that, they may have some strong negative reactions.

How were you disciplined growing up? How did you feel about it?

Sometimes people try to tell me “in a pretty normal way”, but trust me when I say that “normal” means nothing. It can mean anything from abuse to very little discipline. Have them give examples. Was it a really negative experience? Did they feel they deserved it? How often did it happen? Why did it happen? It tells me more about dynamics in their family, their expectations of negative reactions to their behavior, how they may treat themselves when they make mistakes, and more. Being treated in similar ways to how they were treated growing up are likely hot spots. If they were mostly ignored with very little discipline and they wished their family and shown up, then being ignored by a partner may be really inciting. If they were disciplined over every little mistake, they may be on high alert or worried about being perfect.

When growing up, how were you cared for when you were sick or injured? How would you like to be cared for now?

This one is a bit more straightforward. How someone received care in those most vulnerable moments gives you a really good idea of the nurturing they got or are missing. Giving you good insight into what they might want or need now.

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Amanda Liñan
Amanda Linan, LCSW, CST, has been working in the field since 2010 in various capacities, which has garnered education and experience with sexuality, relationships, mental health, disabilities, substance use, and trauma. Amanda is a Certified Sex Therapist and specializes in relationships and sexuality. She is Level I, II and III trained in Gottman Method.
Principle Skills Relationship Center is one of the few therapy practices in Colorado that specializes in treating couples with The Gottman Method. The Center integrates the Method in treating betrayal, trauma, and sexual compulsions and addictions.
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