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How to be More Romantic

By Amanda Liñan
LCSW, CST
Romance is a completely subjective experience. I like to explain it as love that is shown through voice or action. When I talk with couples about romance and what is “romantic” to them, people are often stumped at first and voice what they have seen in the media. I can always tell that’s not their real answer, though, because there’s usually a question in their voice. I don’t think I’ve ever had someone say “a dozen red roses and slow dancing in the moonlight”. That doesn’t mean that’s not someone’s ideal, but that’s rarely what people actually want or consider to be romantic. So, how do you be romantic?

Just Ask

Learn what your partner sees as romantic. And yes, I don’t care what gender your partner is, you should be trying to do things that are romantic for them. Remember, romance is love that is shown through voice or action. So, talk about it. What do you think is romantic? What do they?

Ask the Opposite

If you are having a hard time with that conversation, consider starting with the opposite: what is NOT romantic? Sometimes we have an easier time listing off the negative. Then you can move into the positive side of it.

Reference

Take their list and keep it on hand. Reference it periodically, particularly if you feel like there is a little bit of distance forming in the craziness of life. Romance can bring you two together.

No Expectations

We often associate romance and sex. Romance can and should happen for the sake of romance. Just because you love your partner and they deserve to know that. Sex should not be an expected outcome.

Little Things are Big Things

From my experience, most people find the little things the most romantic. The things that make the day to day grind just a little bit easier. It’s the text in the middle of the day with a meme or loving words. It’s the hot coffee you had waiting for you after a shower. It’s the stupid little trinket they saw at the store and just had to get because it made them think of you. Big gestures are great and important, but it’s like caring for your teeth. The dentist is necessary and important, but if you only take care of your teeth every 6 months, your teeth are going to be in rough shape. Daily care is much more important.

Ask Yourself

Finally, ask yourself: How have I made my partner feel loved today? If you can’t think of something, then do something. Intentional effort speaks volumes.

Romance can be a tricky target at times. If you take the time to be curious about it with your partner and you practice intentional effort, a little goes a long way.

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About Amanda Linan
Amanda Linan, LCSW, CST, has been working in the field since 2010 in various capacities, which has garnered education and experience with sexuality, relationships, mental health, disabilities, substance use, and trauma. Amanda is a Certified Sex Therapist and specializes in relationships and sexuality. She is Level I, II and III trained in Gottman Method.
Principle Skills Relationship Center is one of the few therapy practices in Colorado that specializes in treating couples with The Gottman Method. The Center integrates the Method in treating betrayal, trauma, and sexual compulsions and addictions.
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